Almost divorced
Olivia, 9 months. Photo taken by the amazingly talented Meg Haney.
Even though Chance and I had already been dating and living together for four years, the first year of marriage was by far the hardest. We were 19 and 20 years old and were in a new city, 100 miles away from family. We both were focusing on our careers and we had two puppies to raise. Life “happened” constantly and it seemed like we just couldn’t catch a break and stay on our feet. We survived so many hardships already individually and as a couple and they just seemed to keep coming.
But there was something about that first year of marriage that just completely shifted my mindset. I started to become more and more distant. The little things annoyed me more and more at an alarming pace. And I just couldn’t take anymore piles of clothes laying on the floor next to the hamper anymore. I snapped. Suddenly, Chance’s untidy demeanor seemed so permanent and never ending, even though this was not a new quality. It was beyond frustrating to constantly keep and maintain over 1500 square feet home all by myself.
It’s all a blur now but I do remember vividly telling him I wanted a divorce. I wasn’t tactful at all and my rage made me pretty impossible to live with at the time. Instead of fighting back or resisting my pleas to be on my own, Chance accepted the finality of the situation. He calmly replied that he would gladly give me a divorce if I’d agree to try marriage counseling first. I agreed without hesitation because I figure it was my opportunity to be free.
Chance scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor and we had to both fill out 1/4” thick packets in private before our first appointment. Additional papers could be added depending on how you answered some of the questions. These questions mainly focused on us individually, our family, friends, and relationships. 90% of the packet was insight into our background and potential past trauma. I remember it took me days to fill out mine and it felt like I had written a novel. I slid my packet back into the yellow envelope and sealed it the night before our first appointment.
We both met at the doctor’s office at 10 AM on Thursday and we sat apart from each other in chairs. Dr. Kellar was in the corner to my left and Chance was to my immediate right with a side table between us. I’d been to counseling before as a teenager but this was the first time I went without being forced to be there. When Dr. Kellar asked why were there I felt so silly saying, “Because he’s messy” out loud. But it was true. The first 50 minutes went by fast. He told us he would review our packets and meet with us individually. After he meets with us individually we will then come together and have sessions together. He briefly glanced at our homework and said he wanted to work with me first.
The very next week I met with him alone and we started to go through the packet, one question at a time. He scribbled notes in red ink in the margins and all over the pages I covered a week before. He seemed to write a lot and that made me worry. I’ll never forget the remarks he made at the end of that session. “Don’t have kids until we figure these out.” I left his office baffled, confused, and offended.
The weeks seemed to get easier as our discussions circled around the root of my insecurities and childhood trauma. I felt more comfortable as time went on and I quickly became less defensive and more willing to listen with understanding instead.
I learned three very important discoveries that I will never forget. Dr. Kellar very wisely said, “If it’s important to me, it needs to be important to him. If it’s important to him, it needs to be important to me.” I never felt so validated. The cleaning WAS important to me. But Chance’s band and musical pursuits were important to him. We both needed to support each other even if those things seem silly or meaningless.
Another moment of clarity came when I told Dr. Kellar we just bought our first house. I was so excited, I couldn’t contain it. I’m sure I was beaming the entire session. After he congratulated me, he asked what my parents had to say about the news. They were stationed in Germany at the time and the first thing my mother blurted out was, “Well SHIT! My own daughter bought a house before me…” Her anger and disappointment just lingered on every syllable and I was crushed. Utterly devastated. I remember feeling so bitter and resentful discussing with Chance the idea that my parents should be excited for us. They should be proud that they have functioning adult children who are providing for themselves. They should be elated with all of our successes. Dr. Kellar was not surprised by my mother’s reaction. As I wiped the tears rolling down my cheeks he asked, “Why do you even tell them anything? You know they are not going to be happy for you. You are allowing them to control your emotions.”
That last sentence STILL echoes in my head. I am allowing them to control my emotions. I am giving them so much power over me and I wasn’t even aware of it. For years I made decisions in order to earn their approval and validation and it was still not good enough. So why did I continue to give them that power? It took me another 8 years to fully be able to free myself of this vicious cycle but this was the very beginning of me learning to distance myself from toxic people, even if those people are family members.
The final thing I learned in counseling was that I was pushing Chance away unknowingly because I was repeating the cycle of abuse. Chance was this amazing human. He was charming, funny, kind, extremely devoted, affectionate, and so incredibly in love with me. Sure he was messy, but who isn’t at times? He was and still is the kind of person I hope my daughter finds. He was the opposite of what I was used to growing up and deep in my brain, I didn’t like it. I have suffered from every type of abuse you can imagine during my childhood. The only example of a partner or of “a man” was one who didn’t respect my mind, feelings, or body. My mother brought a barrage of human waste into our lives and it was a constant source of trauma. Finally, I have found someone who worshiped me and wanted me in their lives and it was so radically different than what I experienced my entire life prior to us being together that I didn’t trust or like it.
Peanut was a terrible puppy during our first two years of marriage. The worst ever. Like, she purposefully rolled in her own waste daily so we wouldn’t kennel her, kind of terrible. She screamed all night long unless we put her on the bed with us. We thought we were going to get evicted because of the sounds she made non-stop. We tried everything to discipline her and nothing seemed to work. I remember Dr. Kellar asking if Chance has ever hit Peanut. I hesitated, “…not yet.” And there it was. I had my guard up. The giant wall that was impossible for Chance to conquer was there and I never knew it. I was just waiting for “his true self” to emerge. Even though we were already together for five years, I was still waiting. I’m 100% confident we would have divorced without me realizing how much my past was haunting my future and I would have never learned to fully trust another human. Dr. Kellar literally asked why I wanted to get rid of guy who treats me well in order to find another one who probably won’t. I needed to break the cycle.
I’m happy to report that we all are filled with joy in a home that is very much “lived-in” and no longer perfect. We are surrounded by memories, color, and loud music daily. Just realizing I had these personal issues were not enough though. I have to make decisions every day and choose what to focus on. Over the last decade I have spent so much time and energy to see the good and believe the best in people. I firmly believe my overly angry and bitter self would still be raging on if it weren’t for therapy. And surprise! We didn’t need marriage counseling, I needed counseling.